My new life...

Tue 061009

Yup, March 2008 opened my eyes wide open & brought me right down to earth! And yup, I found myself, most probably, at the final crossroads in my life on this Earth...

Being already in my golden years, it was a very turbulent & confused state of affairs for me & my other half. We were literally torn apart...in part due to our different perspectives of what had transpired. In part, it was also affected by the emotions of an understandably "blinded" emotional biological mother, grabbing at every available straw to cover for the "sins" of one she had no choice but to give birth to. A solid "wall" came up between both of us...and emotions flared, on & off, beyond our control as to what course that we, as husband & wife and especially, as father & mother, should take...together, hand in hand, or otherwise...
(Note : To those who have no inkling of what is being referred to here, pls refer to entries in & from March, 2008. TQ.)

Well, a lot of water has flowed under that bridge since March 2008...19 months now. The wounds had been deep. Real deep. Unbelievably deep. Under such circumstances, the belief that time heals all wounds do not ring true any more. To stop the hurt going deeper & causing more harm, one had to block & fend off any feelings that could affect one's sanity. Feelings ranged from shock to disbelief to anger to frustration to disappointment and to regret. Until finally, there was only surrender, a total surrender to the cruel realities of what Life can be. At the end of it all, only the lack of feelings remained. Nothing more than only pure numbness...an emptiness where love once was.

Soon me am gonna be 1 more year wiser and after being more enlightened & after all the emotions had passed...practically drained away, me am also able to see Life as is so much more clearly. Especially the road ahead that me have to take now. To remain sane... to find peace & be happy while both of us still have our lives...our "TOL" ie temporary occupation licence on this Earth which may expire at any time.

Yup, for one thing, as frequently quoted, one cannot choose one's biological child nor can a child choose his biological parent. That is a fact that one has no choice but to face reality & accept, like it or not. Better late than never...as another saying goes. And most importantly, not to be viciously dragged down into self-pity & one's own destruction! A Hobson's Choice.

Then again, there is this here puzzle that me kinda need help to answer...

So, pls do allow me to ask you...

If a father were to tell ppl that he had no son, would ppl believe him? Likewise, if a person were to tell ppl that he had no father, would ppl believe him? What do you think?

As Life is, at this point in one's life, what is important is not how many children one has but do the children that he has, respect & love him as their parent? Especially if he had been there for them throughout their life & without whose support they would not have been what they are today? Probably not even alive, maybe? Haha!

Well, what can I say? Life is cruel. It can be very cruel. Especially if it were to reveal the true feelings that your children might have had for you during this final leg in your walk in Life's journey. It hurts. Deep. And after 19 months, no excuse, no reasons whatsoever nor could any sane person come up with a plausible cause of all the silence, inaction & such lack of feelings from a child who had survived his adulthood & marriage from the never-failing support of his parent.

Some had commented (understandably & expected) that all that support, care & love are the duties & responsibilities of a parent. Yup, I do agree, too...up to a point. Yup, if that parent were a normal parent, carrying out the duties & responsibilities within the scope that normal parents usually do. Now, let me see...was I just a normal parent?

What can I say....
When the details of what this parent did for that child were revealed, then those comments were silenced...simply because this was no normal parent...so much more beyond the call of duty of a normal parent...even up to when that child got married & even after he had his own child! So sorry but that's as far as me can go...here. The truth is with him, my other half and me. And yup, of course, with God, too!

So what is left to do?

Thankfully, my other half & me had weathered the typhoons & stormy seas that came in our way and we had managed to find a common calm path to walk together, hopefully hand in hand, until either one of us drops out of the way...
As most would tell you, the one who drops out first, in the journey through Life, is the truly LUCKY one...if you get what I mean.

However, that is in the future & one cannot foretell the future, right? In God's hands...

My birthday wish? A simple one. To be allowed to enjoy peace & happiness through whatever years I might be blessed with, in reasonably good health, so that I would be independent of anyone until it's time to for me to walk into the Light...

I've often repeated to both my "kids", before & after they had left the nest, as to their visits to Lot 10...a simple pre-condition... "Come Happy...". Unfortunately, that was expanded (by one lost, heartless soul) to be "Come Happy...but create chaos when here before you leave! Then leave behind the chaos that you have created in the family which you feel is not yours anymore..."

Now I feel that it should have been ..." Come Happy, Stay Happy & Leave Happy... "

To me, HOME is where the heart is...and mine is in Lot 10!

Happy Birthday to lil ole me! Soon....hehe...And, of course, may my wish come true...