The long, frustrating & unrewarding road of a loving father...Part 1.

Fri 16 October 2009

Yup, no one would agree more than me that it was, is and will always be no easy task to be a father...a parent. No matter how hard one tries, our kids will always find fault in us at some point in time, somehow...even somewhere. No escape there...as every parent will find out one fine day... don't you be surprised, ok?

However, to be so deeply hurt by such actions of such a terribly disrespectful, unfeeling & uncaring person whom we had so lovingly brought up, nurtured & supported all his life even until he had a family & his own kids? I sincerely hope no other parent had to go through what I had to.

After the incident in March 2008 (pls refer to entries in that month & later ones for details), many had told me that "Blood is thicker than water" and that as a father, I should find it in my heart to forgive this disrespectful son.

Actually, when, at 1 point in time, that son's wife commented that she was surprised at how fast this father could forgive a wrongdoing, I had told him that his father ' is a very forgiving person '. I was...still am...but not to this son now... after what had transpired through these unbelievable 19+ months! Pls read on...and hopefully you will understand why...

A son who was already 37 years old, married with 2 kids, at the time the said incident happened? At a time when I was (still am) in my right mind, alert, alive & kicking? How would this person treat me should I be really old, helpless, maybe even bed-ridden & senile with AD? YOU tell me...

In all sincerity, I could not and up till today, I still could not help those ppl to understand the reasons why I could not forgive this son as all loving fathers should be able to unless I revealed all the years of events that had taken place between the two of us. It's no ordinary father-son relationship. It's whole lots deeper. It would be like "washing dirty linen in public." Unless, of course, it's a question of "Hobson's Choice"?

However, at this point in time & at this stage, more than 19 months after the incident, with NO hope in sight of any knowledge, feeling of remorse / regret, positive action or whatever from that son, I now feel that I should make it very clear, once & for all, why my forgiveness was not forthcoming & none could be given by anyone who had gone through what I had gone through all these long hurtful years!

Pray do have patience and bear with me while I relate as much as I possibly can...to enlighten once & for all the long hard road I had travelled, through thick & thin, my sacrifices, for this person who was my son but now only looks like him but no longer behaves like the son we had nor have any true love nor feelings of gratitude for all that his loving father had done & sacrificed for him. Not only till he started working but even after he had his own son!

And he even dared to ask me, "...who is more hurt?". Pls read the quote of his sms statement in my earlier entry of 151009.

This walk down this painful memory lane would need more than 1 entry in this Blog. I am also hopeful that one day, our "friend" would have his poor memory refreshed through my entries in this Blog.

For a start, here goes...

Let's skip all those that I had done for him throughout his school days cos most would then say that that would all be the normal duties & responsibilities of bringing up a child that we brought into this world. Agreed? Me, too.

It would suffice to say that as a loving & responsible father, I successfully brought him back onto the correct road each & every time he took the wrong turn in life in spite of the many bad leanings towards the wrongdoings of a potential bad character.

As examples....

1. He was literally a thief in his primary school days! Sincere apologies but can't reveal the exact truth.;
2. He refused to study at another point in his primary school days just because he was envious of his classmate who had a set of encyclopedias. Consequently, to get him to restart studying, I had to buy 1 set for him through long term hire-purchase as our family was not financially sound;
3. He was almost "lured" into smoking during his secondary school years. If he had not been "taught" well by me, God knows if he might have ended up as a drug addict...
4. In his 2nd year in Form 6, he totally gave up preparing for the STPM exam! I found him listening daily to music in bed during the final term. When asked, he confirmed not wanting to study & prep for the exam anymore. I had a long talk with him, got him to see the light & he finally relented, did some preparations and successfully obtained a full cert with 2 Principles & 2 Subsids. He would have failed.

After that I found him unsure of what he wanted to do and luckily I found a paying course for computer programming by IBM. When he agreed to go, I paid for it & enrolled him for the 1 year course. All expenses on the family...still in spite of our low financial capability.

While staying with a relative in KL during the duration of the course, he was accused of mis-using the home telephone. I defended him & got him off the hook.

Then came the period when he started working in a local bank in which he found a position as a teller. Both me & my other half asked him if he wanted to further his studies instead of working but he turned down our offer, so positive he wanted to work. We offered. His own decision. Fair enough, right?

However, recently, when I asked my other half to question him as to what he meant when he told me in my face during the March 08 incident, his answer was that I had sent my daughter for further studies but I didn't do the same for him!! And by not doing so for him, I supposedly owe him MORE....

Now, can you imagine how ridiculous...maybe even how stupid...that answer was? Coming from a person who is now a Manager in a well-known banking group? Fortunately my other half remembered certain details of this son's life well enough to answer back that we DID offer him to go for further studies but he flatly refused to study anymore! He only wanted to work. Thank God for that. Or else it would have been like the Malay proverb "mencurah air ke atas daun keladi..."

Now for his adult days...time when he already had a "wife". Is such a period still a father's duty & responsibility to take care of him?

He met with a serious accident during working hours. He hit a van carrying a load of workers. 1 worker was killed. Now who would you think he called? His father specifically! In general, his parents. I drove down to SP that night & found him with blood on his shirt! Thank God he was otherwise ok. It was a long session in the police station.

A long wait for the trial because he was charged for dangerous driving resulting in death... with serious consequences if found guilty. His career was at stake, not forgetting maybe even a prison term! He was lucky because that charge was later reviewed & then came with a mandatory prison sentence if guilty. He was, however, still charged under the older act because the new act was not back-dated.

Then came the long tedious trial after trial which dragged on & on. The insurance company lawyer dropped him on his own for the criminal case against him, having settled out of court the civil case. What do you think this son did...again? Called his father for help! Didn't he have a "wife"?

I got my daughter to help to find him a good lawyer & she successfully did. Lawyer fees? Do you think his wife would do all she could to save her husband from losing his career? Even going to prison? Nope. Reason as given by this son...her money was all tied up in shares!! Phew...I learnt for the first time that shares could not be sold! Or could they? Pls enlighten me. TQ.

At each & every trial we were there, supporting him, sitting in the public gallery in the Magistrates Court in SP, paying the lawyer's fees each & every time it was demanded. Now where could poor ole me get the $$$? Through overdraft from mortgaging our home!!

Thank God he was acquitted. The lawyer did his work well. Thousands of $$$ gone but we both felt relieved & happy that our son was saved, career and all....

Btw, what happened to the damaged car? Who paid for the repairs? Your guess...

One last thing, during his working career, in another bank, he incurred losses....presumably through his negligence according to the bank. Now who did he call for help? Who helped to reimburse those losses? YOU guess again....

Now, didn't he still have a "wife"?

Finally, for now, one last item. On one of his trips back to Penang while driving his wife's car, he met with an accident...it seems he hit a dog! Now who did he call? Again? His ole father! Who paid for the repairs to his wife's car? RM500? You guess....

End of first installment. Pls be patient & wait for the next....