The Main Issues of March 2008.

Thur 221009

Hi...

For reference, now & in the future, below is a copy of the 3 Main Issues that arose on that fateful day in March 2008, a copy of which had been sent to that "S" via courier days before my Bday recently. This paper was prepared in anticipation of that "S"'s possible & hoped for return to Lot 10 but which never materialised... even after more than 19 months...

THE MAIN ISSUES

How you had disrespected your own father…the 3 MAIN points…

1. Both my children had been told that Lot 10 would be their home & that they could come back anytime AS LONG AS they feel that it is THEIR HOME & that we are THEIR PARENTS!
Moreover, there is a very simple rule or guideline as you may call it, namely :
Come Happy, Stay Happy & Leave Happy…

Now if you were to recollect correctly, that was what your father was reminding you of when you blew your top and threatened him by saying that :
“if you say another word, I’m leaving immediately!” Correct?

Now, what right have you to do that when you were the one who had broken that simple rule of visiting Lot 10 (a very rare visit, I might add…) and so threaten your very own father in his own home?

Your father is still of sound mind & physical capability. Now, if you can do that when he is so, what is going to be the scenario when he is not so? YOU tell him…

2. Your response to your father that HE owes you MORE…

Now, how in the world can a father owe a son more? Esp when this father had a long list of how he had taken care of his son, supported him morally, emotionally & financially throughout this son’s life? Even through his marriage & even after he had a son? Your father will list out (search your memory & if need be, your father will help you remember…) ALL that he had done…way out of his way…so much more than many other fathers would ever do!

So, please help your father to understand HOW your father could ever OWE YOU MORE…

3. You pointed your finger so angrily at your father even before you left soon after…while saying, “Remember, you are the one who started it…”

Now, you had continued to insist (even at a later time) that your father started the whole incident…and even that if it was related to the phone calls you’d made to him at the chicken rice shop, you were even more sure that your father was the one who started it!

Now, on your father’s side, there’s no one to bear witness to what had happened during the 2 calls you made. I told your mother & your sister about the calls and with the 2 of them & God, as my 3rd witness, I remember trying to stop you from leaving before we could reach home…without seeing us! I even asked you how far Jln Telok Wanjah is from Lot 10 and reminded you how much time only is needed to reach Lot 10…remember?

By so doing, am I the one who started the incident?

Frankly, when you told your father you’d have to take your family for lunch first, did you even think of asking if your parents had lunch yet? Or did you expect them to skip lunch while you & your family had lunch?

So how could you be so angry at your father when he had to stop to buy lunch for your mother & sister’s family who were also visitors to Lot 10? Remember how impatient you were? And how you said you were going to leave even without seeing us at all but only come at another future date? When would that be…when you hardly ever come to visit your parents?

When a son, who hardly ever comes to visit his parents, finally could visit and was trying to leave without even seeing his parents in spite of the father trying to stop him from doing so…
Now, was that son adhering to the pre-mentioned guideline of coming home happy to Lot 10?
And, if the father’s attempt, to remind him of his wrong in that line of action, gave that son the right to tell his own father to literally “SHUT UP” in his own home, then that person is NO longer the son we knew nor had…

As such, this incident is no simple matter…no simple quarrel…no simple misunderstanding…it is a major DISRESPECT issue of a son to his own father in the father’s own home!

NB. This is only a summarized version of the details of this HUGE issue.

The long frustrating and unrewarding road of a loving father...Part 4.

Thur 221009

Here we are...yup, the Final Part. Part 4.

Finally...the long road down "Memory Lane" is about to end...

Let's go back to the past once more.

1. During what became the last visit all of us (as a family) made to Computer Fairs eg Microfest, PC Fair, etc., that "S" kinda "let out" that he had been the recipient of items that this father did not want anymore....

Phew! What ungratefulness! Especially when one could not afford to buy them for oneself? And this father could afford to pass them over to him? Why didn't he say so when he was offered those items? Then those items would have been given to some other ppl who would have appreciated the gesture. Don't you all agree?

I remembered the time when my own father passed over his old rusty bicycle to me, I was so overjoyed! That "S" got a new BMX from this father...

And yup, as above, not all that he got were what he termed as "unwanted" items! Pray do let me clarify further...

There was this time when me had planned to get a new desktop PC to replace an old one which was still functioning. When we heard that that "S" needed a better PC so that he could pursue his hobby, improve his IT capability & help him with his work, my other half & me decided to instead use the $$$ to enable him to buy one new one...according to his own specs! To make it not sound like we are like so helping him, we told him that me didn't need such an up2date PC and that his old one (which was better than my old one) would suffice. An exchange of sorts.

Now was that an "unwanted" item?

Instead of going into details, were all those brand new HPs that me bought for him also "unwanted" items? And many many more...too many to list here & for fear of boring you guys...

2. Then there was the time when he had sold off his own car but needed a new car. Deciding to buy a new Kancil but didn't have even the minimum downpayment needed, he approached this ole guy, "the father who had made his life miserable". (NB. Fyi this ole guy was still surviving on the OD facility that he had from mortgaging his home!)
This ole man did so without any hesitation. The understanding was that he would repay the loan in monthly instalments of some affordable sum.

He bought the car. But the car was given to his wife to use while he used the wife's old kancil. Fair enough...he loved his wife. However, where were the repayments of the loan? Nothing was seen for 3 months and then that "S" said he would do so when he could later. It was a long wait before me got part repayment and that was after his that one loan was increased by his other espenses I had to bear for him. Now, didn't he have a wife who had invested in shares?

Frankly, up till March 2008 (& even now), his financial debts to this ole man were still pending...my other half had told me to "write off" all of them long time back! I did so then...even to the extent of throwing away all records of the sums that he had owed me!

3. Before that "S" was promoted & confirmed in his present Manager's post, he was supervising the northern region branches and he had to make periodical trips to A/S. Did he make any effort to drop in to see his own parents? Esp when Lot 10 is just on the way for anyone going back to Penang via the highway?

Nope. It was a big NO practically most of the time or dare I say 99%? Perhaps even 99.9%? Then how did we know the times that he came to A/S? That's why me believe that God works in mysterious ways...hehe....

When asked once, his answer was that his wife was waiting for him to go back to have dinner! Oh no...our "S" was here on official duties but he could not even stopover at his parents' home (his former own home, too!) because his wife was waiting for him to have dinner...now that's a great "S" for you!! It would be a fair understandable answer if he had been visiting his parents BUT the number of his visits had dropped to only a max of 2 per year for some years already!

May I add here that he visited his In-Laws practically almost every weekend...? It's only about 1 and half hour's drive (within JPJ's speed limits) under normal traffic conditions from his flat to Lot 10.

I remember very cleary & well that I had advised both my children (before their marriage) that after they got married, they must show their other half the love that they had for their parents....so that it would rub off on the other half...thereby creating an understanding of their actions towards their parents. To be fair, me had also added that they must also be as understanding when it came to the other half's parents, their In-laws.

4. A few years back, our daughter had found work in SP. That "S" had previously bought a house there which he had been unable to even rent out for quite some time already then. I suggested that she, being that "S"'s sister, could help her bro by renting the place instead of renting another place. She did.

There were also months when me had to chip in to help that "S" to pay the instalments to the house. Now did he realise all that? Or was he thinking that it was only he who was helping the sister? YOU tell me...

5. Last but not least, during each & every visit that me & my other half made to that "S"'s family (before they were married, after they were married, & after they had their son), we bore all expenses and even expenses out of the ordinary in order that that "S" would one day be able to stand on his own 2 feet! We were supposedly "guests" then...but in reality, we were the "hosts"!!

There was even that one time, at the car park...during one of our heart2heart chats...when my other half did ask that "S" if he knew what his father had been doing...and she told him the above, namely his father was helping him as much as possible so that one day he could stand on his own 2 feet!

And what did he do when he could finally stand on his own 2 feet? Literally forgot everthing and figuratively "shot" his own father down...coldly! In March 2008. No remorse...No regrets...No guilt...No nothing...

So now after reading & learning about many of the incidents that had transpired and the "beyond the call of duty" actions of this ole man, does this ole man deserve the threats & accusations that that "S" had hurled at him on that fateful day in March 2008?

I leave that to you to be the judge. Pls judge wisely. Not as only a son yourself but as a father, too. I was hurt...deeply hurt. Still am. Because of an unrepenting, proud & arrogant "S", with that something missing from his heart.

May God let him see his wrongs and show him the right path...soon. Amen.

The long frustrating and unrewarding road of a loving father...Part 3b.

Wed 211009

Hi...

My sincere apologies for the long wait for this part ie Part 3b. So it's better if me wrote something now than be branded a "procrastinator" longer than necessary, right?

Part 3 is dedicated to incidents that had taken place that carried special meanings to both me & my other half in relation to the care of our grandson, J, namely how we had helped him overcome the traumatic circumstances & events that had confronted him... that he had to face in his pre-school days.

Incident #3 :

This involved 3 of our Marriage Anniversaries. Yup, that of me & my other half. I wonder if you are one who may believe in co-incidences. Early in his life, our grandson fell sick, consecutively, on the eves of 2 of our wedding anniversaries!

Well, each time we responded to the sad news that J was sick. We dropped everything and went over to take care of J till he was well. Our 2 anniversaries were spent at that "S"'s flat. Luckily for us, they did realise...the 2nd time around... that we had to forego any planned or unplanned celebration of any sort at that time. And, where credit is due, credit must be given, right? They did buy home, that 2nd time we had to sacrifice our anniv. celebrations for their son, a cake for both of us...for the anniversary day together that we had to give up to care for J...

That was the good part.

The sad & hurting part was that soon after, when J fell sick again, we were NOT allowed to go to take care of him anymore! To cut a long explanation short, it was said that they would only ask for our help if & when they needed our help to help take care of our grandson! Not this time. And it was to be so for the future.

Phew...I didn't know that grandparents must switch on & off their feelings & emotions towards the well-being of their 1st grandchild according to the whims & fancies of his parents! Do you?

We could only care for & love our grandson only when they allowed us! And it was like a rarity...

That trend of thought & view became worse as time passed by. We could not even visit them at their flat! A common reason given being that they were tired & wanted to sleep...young ppl in their twenties...so tired? Even when the parents (& InLaws to the wife) had come all the way from A/S to Penang? And it's not every day or every week that we do go to visit them...or even to Penang, for that matter. Neither would it be correct to say that they visited us often @Lot 10. Rarely, if ever, was the norm.

Anyway, after quite a number of failed attempts, we both gave up & accepted the fact that we were not welcomed most of the time. To care for our grandson or even to visit them. Period.

Now I wonder if we appeared to be a threat to them...? Probably so, after the incidents me related in Part 3a.

Incident #4 :

This happened after they had a 2nd child. A daughter. This daughter had fallen ill. Now that "S" called us for help...to take care of J. Now if the daughter is sick, why can't they take turns to attend to the daughter? Both wanted to be free to take care of only the daughter! Isn't the son also their child...? Or do they love him that much less?

That was when me felt the strong urge & need to set things right, once & for all. I had enough. No more being manipulated. No more letting them turn on & off my emotions, my feelings...as if I was a puppet! It was my turn to say "NO!"

So I turned down the request...not to respond to their request for help immediately on that day BUT instead, I told that "S" that we would go to Penang in a couple of days to pick up J, bring him to A/S for a day before we all went to Penang to carry out our plans for that year's wedding anniversary do. Our pre-booked hotel stay. J would stay with us. And yup, it was once again just before our next wedding anniversary! Now, wasn't that another co-incidence?

We did as we had promised.

However, J must have felt very ignored, rejected & not loved by both of his parents cos he fell sick on arrival at the hotel we had booked to stay for our anniversary. He vomitted in the car park. We took him to see a nearby doc. Conclusion? Probably food poisoning due to contaminated food in take-away meals cos the parents had no time to prep home food for him whilst caring for the sister. We gave him the doc's med. No more vomitting but he refused to take any food. Day after day.

To cut a long story short again, that first conclusion was proven wrong! I had to extend our hotel stay an extra day even...4D3N in all. Why? Cos our J still would not take any food! Actually, I had then proven to the father, namely that "S", that J could eat already! How did I know?I had insisted that that "S" must come so that J could recover. J ate & drank everything given to him by that "S"!! But the moment that "S" left, J just would NOT eat anything...yup, J was plain attention-seeking...cos he must have felt so unwanted when both parents focussed only on his sister.

My final conclusion? Our J must have suffered from neglect, lack of love & attention during the days his sister was sick...probably even long before...even when he was their only child. And most likely, it was worse after his sister was born...

We could both see how this poor little boy was treated each time we were given a chance to be with him...at meals, at home, in Malls...even on his own birthday! Sad, sad...a very sad, pitiful story.

That brings me to Incident #5:

One day...probably still pre-school if me not wrong, the family came to Lot 10 for a visit. And when we were alone with J, he told us how much he wished he could die...also how nice it would be to be just a mosquito & fly away....

Do you know how shocked both me & my other half were? Well & truly shocked! Now, why is a boy in pre-school having that kind of wish? To die? Children at his age should be happy, carefree, looking forward to happy times, especially so during weekends & times with parents! YOU tell me....

Both of us felt that that was too serious an issue to ignore. We just had to do something. We also just couldn't tell his parents. It would only make matters worse, right? Maybe even pushing him over the limit?

So, both of us hit on a plan to have him come to Lot 10 to spend his nearing holidays with us. A happier, more peaceful environment. We would then try our best to show him the beauty of life, the value of life & what life has to offer...and hopefully, remove such negative, even homicidal, thoughts from such a young mind!

Thank God the parents agreed to our offer of a holiday here for J...probably to them, it meant one less headache at home? Happy to get J out of their lives, even for a few days?

And thank God we could do as much as we possibly could to make life more meaningful & fill him with happy thoughts & happy times. Made him feel that he is somebody...respected him...as a person with feelings. And that Life can be & would be a great rewarding journey, etc., etc...

We knew we had got through to him at the end of that stretch of holidays with us cos another incident proved to us how J had felt the neglect & lack of attention by his parents to the extent of putting J's life then in danger! So sorry but this incident is not appropriate to be revealed here. TQ for understanding...

Well, that's Part 3b.

Part 4 ie the LAST part will be done in due time. Thanks for your interest up to this point.

Have a good week!

ps. Now some of you might be wondering why I'm putting all these as entries in my Blog now.

The main reason is...so that while I'm still sane & capable, all these incidents, feelings & hurt that I had, would one day be read by that "S" (if he still hasn't yet...), and... hopefully, when I'm gone or in total AD, he would see himself in his own "mirror" and would then become a better father (too late then to be a better son, sorry...).

The entries in this Blog would be a record of sorts...for "eternity", perhaps?

And, hopefully then, he would not, in his own words...to quote:

"turn out like you (meaning me) and make my children's life miserable like you are doing to me now!"

I am now 46 years young!!

Tues 20th Oct 2009

Yup, me am now 46 years young...or 64 years old! Whichever way you look at the figures, they still belong to me! Ha ha!

And yup, my Bday for 2009 had just passed me by...me don't feel any younger nor any older though. Still the same lil ole me inside...like it or not. That's the wonder of the human brain. Until AD finally sets in. However, when that does happen (if it does at all...), me would not know about it! Am I correct? Ha ha again...

Well, the special day in the year passed quite uneventfully.

In a nutshell, lunch & dinner were on my other half's account. Simple ones though...lunch was at Riverland in Star Parade whilst dinner, which was originally planned to be KS Mee at a special stall, was finally opposite it at Timuran. Inbetween lunch & dinner, it was a return visit to Tesco South @Sungei Petani.

All in all, the day was nice & warm, with my other half hand-in-hand with me throughout the day...till weariness of the past few days took its toll on us & we went to "La La Land" pretty fast that night!

Yup, the past few days before my Bday saw the arrival of our fav grandaughter, KL, and her family. Her presence & happy smiles, with her shrieks of the laughter of a happy, carefree child truly made Lot 10 ring with true happiness & great aura for the future! And, yup, they were here to have a pre-Bday do with KL's grandpa as KL's parents had to be back at work the day after their return home.

Thanks a meg, EL, for still respecting, loving & more so for tolerating your ole "incorrigible" dad! And yup, EL, you have only this one genuine Papa...his good & bad, all in a package. You call him "Papa" because he is truly your very own Papa!

A few pics, taken during the 2D1N that KL was here, had been included in the slideshow of KL in 2009 to the right of this Blog. Enjoy...

Happy days passed like lightning strikes...gone before you can savour the force. A good sign.

Today me accomplished finishing a project that me had planned for some time...installing a "floodlight" to light up the gate & porch area of Lot 10, controllable from within our master bedroom. In case of intruders in the night or when visibility is vital in the dark of night...

There it is...on the left. Looks kinda professionally installed, right?
I will be testing its efficiency tonight! Wish me luck....

In the meantime, it's Happy Birthday to me....kinda belated now but still as sincere...hehe....

And, not to forget, thanks a meg to one & all who remembered my special day...esp to the OKT gang of my working days!! Your thoughts of & your remembering lil ole me, coupled with your good wishes truly warmed me heart up!

And, of course, my greatest thanks of all thanks are to God for having given me one more year of Life! Me am looking forward to a happier & better, more peaceful year ahead! Amen.

The long frustrating and unrewarding road of a loving father...Part 3a.

Sat 171009

I know...I know...I did mention that Part 3 would be delayed...

However, KL & fmly's departure & arrival had been delayed...so me thought it would be just great (& enjoyable for you guys to read on this holiday...if you have nothing better to do?) if I could use the extra time I now have to relate a couple of interesting related incidents to the topic.

Yup, interesting...you be the judge tho...ok?

Incident #1:

One day in the past...both my other half & me made an unannounced trip to Penang. We were enjoying our walk-walk session in Gurney Plaza when a call came through on my hp. It appeared to be from that "S"'s wife. But the voice at the other end was NOT! It was from that "S"'s son.

I was asked by the small boy if I could come over to his home to settle a problem he was having with his mum. It appeared that the mother thought we were in A/S...too far away to be of any help to the poor boy!

It was a true great surprise when both of us showed up at their flat to answer to the boy's call for help!! Was she well & truly shocked to see us when she answered the door!!

God does work in mysterious ways...don't you agree?

Incident #2 :

This was related to us by that "S" himself....

It appeared that there was this time when that "S" (& maybe the other half, too?) was having a problem with the same son. This time around, that "S" threatened to open their car door and let the son out of the car...as punishment!
(NB. Imagine a father threatening that to his own son who was then just a small boy...no wonder that "S" could also threaten his own father so....)

Can you guess what & how that son answered his father...at his tender pre-school age? To quote...

"Let me call my 'Kong Kong' first! Then you can let me out of the car."

I was so touched then when I heard abt the incident. However, I decided to sacrifice my feelings for the small boy who had felt that his grandpa was the only person he knew who could save him...each & every time he was threatened by his parents...

From that time on, I told my other half that both of us must sacrifice ourselves for the future of this dear pitiful boy or else he would grow up so disconnected from and hating his parents...only knowing that his grandparents were the only ones who loved him!

So, from that day, we cut down our visits & time with our grandson...not matter how much such a sacrifice hurt us deep inside. It was for the long term good. We felt a son must somehow bond with and accept his parents no matter how his parents had treated him...they were his parents, good or bad... like them or not!

As often repeated, we cannot choose our parents nor can parents choose their children. Agreed?

There is a good ending to Incident #2 because we could see later that the small boy had finally accepted his parents for what they are....his parents! And that meant all our sacrifices were not in vain. Thank God for that...

Well, those were only 2 of many other incidents of relevance to this issue.

TQ for reading this far. And that's about it for now...Part 3b will have to been after KL & fmly have gone home and me fully recovered...haha!

Selamat Hari Deepavali again to one & all!

Happy Happy Diwali!

Sat 17th October 2009

Yup, today is Deepavali day or also know as Diwali...

So me am extending my warmest wishes to one & all who are celebrating this auspicious day...

HAPPY HAPPY DIWALI!!

To those who are not, I wish you Happy Holidays! Enjoy your day of rest...

Have a great day with family, loved ones, friends & colleagues!

The long, frustrating & unrewarding road of a loving father...Part 2.

Fri 161009

Yup, after a much needed break & breaths of fresh air, it's time to continue relating with this unbelievable disrespectful person with no regret, remorse nor realisation of all his wrong-doings. From now on, it would be easier & save me some typing if that person is referred to that "S". Sounds like something we all know, right? Ha ha!

Let's travel back to his pre-marriage days.

That "S", when advised to go slow in his personal relationship, he retorted in the presence of my other half (who can bear witness) that he would not need any help whatsoever from me when the time comes for him to get married!

However, when that time came, it was the total reverse! Just imagine...

1. For his "bridal suite" in Lot 10, he told my other half to just use a piece of cloth to cover the old worn & dirty headboard of his old bed to be used as their wedding bed! Now, could any father who had love for his son, in spite of that "S"'s past behaviour & no matter what that "S" had said to him before, stand by & allow that to happen? What would that "S"'s bride-to-be think of his family & esp of her husband-to-be? A husband who is a "banker" (or so he called himself) but could not even afford a proper new bed for his wife?

And so it was, that this father dug into his overdraft account again & re-furnished another room (after repainting it) with a brand new furniture set for that "S" & his bride to use as their "bridal suite".

2. I organised the wedding dinner here. The irony of it all was after that that "S" came to see both of his parents and asked for ALL the angpows given by our relatives & friends whom we had invited & had entertained! The nerve of that "S"...knowing fully well that ALL expenses incurred for all wedding expenses here was borne by his parents, using funds not readily available but from our overdraft secured from the mortgage of our home!

Now, did we hear wrongly or did he tell us that he would not need any of our help, etc., etc., etc.?

Then came his move to a rented flat when both of them got transferred to Penang. He could not afford to pay the full monthly rental for the flat. It was then that I suggested to my daughter who, at that time, was renting a room by herself in another area, to instead rent a room from her own brother. And by so doing, she would be helping her bro to afford to rent the flat for his family. Now I wonder if he could still remember that arrangement? Or maybe he (& wife) had thought they were the ones doing my daughter (his sister) a favour? And maybe still does?

More importantly, I personally bought new furniture & most items necessary eg double bed with mattress, dressing table, cooking cabinet c/w stove, gas, automatic washing machine, etc in order that he could start his life in a complete environment. Another issue of thousands of $$$, from a father who did not have the available funds but who did so anyway...

And... after that "S"'s son was born through a difficult & almost "dry" delivery, I can now still remember a couple of his friends telling him in the corridor of the hospital that he "is a father now and would know what his parents felt & went through when they had and took care of him... " Now one wonders if his memory is now impaired, even at his younger-than-me age?

Furthermore, his son then needed to stay back & be treated longer in the hospital even though the mother could be discharged. And guess who came to his rescue? His wife? His InLaws? Nope. Guess again. Yup, You got it! Correct...morally, emotionally and financially!!

On the emotional side, that "S" had, from time to time, threatened to take his own life! 1 way which I could remember that he had wanted to do...was by jumping off the Penang Bridge!! We spent many phone calls, listening to his woes, problems, etc, etc. Consoling, encouraging & supporting him. Did all we knew how.

Well, what can I say? Looked like we were successful, right? Or else that "S" won't be alive today, right? And I would not be suffering all these 19+ months, from his disrespect in March 2008....

What could be worse?

According to that "S", every day...every second, he was on his toes! He told that to both my other half & me during one of those "comforting" cum "moral-uplifting" sessions that we had with him each time before we left for home after visiting him & family. Yup, his confessions were then free-flowing...from his aching tortured heart.
(NB. Sincerely hope you guys know what is meant by being "on one's toes"... )

And yup, he poured out his heart & home problems to both of us very often many times after we had visited him & family. At times it took up so much time until even his wife had to call him up on his H/P to ask why he was taking so long & not back up to the flat yet...!

Now, are all those mentioned above the normal duties & responsibilities of a parent at those points in a child's life? When he's already an adult, working, before marriage, after marriage, even when he's a father with his own child?

You tell me...

Part 3?...soon. Pls be patient. TQ.

UPDATE : @ 10:42pm.
It now appears that Part 3 would have to be somewhat delayed. KL & family would be visiting Lot 10 tomorrow ie Sat 171009. After that, lil ole me would need the same ole "recovery" period...hehe...sincere apologies for the delay. TQ in adv.