Abuse...physical or otherwise

Mon 27th Oct 2008

Today is a good day. A day of celebration. Celebrating what is known as the "Festival of Lights". Deepavali or Diwali. Hindus celebrate the triumph of good over evil. Attainment of knowledge over ignorance.

Now what is good & what is evil?

In our daily lives... & more specifically for discussion in this entry..., we can label "Love" as good...and "Abuse" as evil.

Abuse can manifest itself in many forms. What most of us witness are of either the physical or the emotional kind.

As an example, in your courting days, yr BF or boyfriend (for ladies) leaves you stranded to find your own way home after a quarrel. That is a "veiled" form of abuse. An emotional threat...equivalent to saying, "If you do that again, you will be on your own...no help from me!" Total abandonment! Now, would you say that is Love or Abuse?

If you really do love that person, would you ever leave that person (whom you are supposed to care for & protect - when you do marry her) alone...to fend for herself? Can you ever forgive yourself if anything were to happen to her after you'd left her there alone...to find her own way back? If so, then what the hell are you here for? Does she need you anymore if she has to fend for herself in such times of crisis? Wouldn't she be safer & happier without 1 less threat to her well-being & safety? Namely without YOU? And your threats? YOU are supposed to protect her from threats & harm...not do so yourself! For God's sakes!!

Let's say you are somehow lucky & managed to close your eyes and pass that danger sign. Now, what is a marriage? Why do 2 ppl get hitched...legally? A mere formality? To prove to society at large that they can find someone who would marry them? Or do they really find in each other what they need to live their lives ahead, caring for & loving each other "for better or for worse till death do us part..."? Or is he/she just another trophy in your mind? A good catch? YOU tell me...

To many young couples, what comes after marriage is like pure bliss. Like nothing can ever go wrong. Like no quarrels. Like courting times are forever...even after marriage. Let me tell you...that is only in "fairy tales". In dreams. Wake up, ppl!! Believe me, marriage is NO bed of roses! (Note : Me should know better...after 40 years of marriage! ) No fairy tale nor romantic novel ever tells you what comes after...they all just end with "...and they lived happily ever after!" Do they? Really?

Now...This is Reality...

A couple is really 2 different individuals of different character...with lots of differing ideas, likes & dislikes. With short courting periods, couples do not really get to know the other well. Both are usually on their best behaviour...the best actor they could be. Pleasing the other as much as possible. Rocking the boat might mean losing the "game"...a slap in one's face. A lost pride.

After marriage...as the mist drifts away...that is when the true self is slowly exposed. Now only does the true compatibility comes into play. Can you truly & fully accept the other for what he/she really is? At least come to grips with the life ahead for what it really is? When whoever who was acting finally stopped acting...?

A common advice given during quarrels or misunderstandings between marriage partners, is that both should open all channels of communications. Both must talk things over. Both must see the light...the root cause of the quarrel / misunderstanding. Where apologies are in order, they should be made. No such thing as losing face. Don't ever blindly follow one quote in one romantic movie...that "Love means not having to say sorry..." That only applies in the right context...at the right time & at the right place for the right reason.

A good advice is that all issues should be threshed out & resolved before one goes to bed for that night. If that is somehow not possible, it should be settled...cleared ASAP!! Not pushed under the carpet...cos one fine day, all that under the carpet is gonna blow up!

In any marriage, no one should use his/her knowledge of the other's weaknesses to his/her advantage to secure submission to one's will. For example, a husband should not ever use his wife's love & attachment to her child to force her into submission...to abide by his will...a threat even!! That is cowardice of the worst kind in any one's eyes. Instead he should be proud to have that mother of his child as his loving wife. Not an easy find in this modern world. Just look at the number of women abandoning their kids these days...many wives would even give up their kids for a better life ahead should their husbands fail to care & love them as promised.

One last but very important point...Never ever use physical force to settle any marriage issues. God made Man muscular & stronger than the Woman for 1 main reason...to protect the weaker sex...the Woman. Not to hurt her. Not to put her in harm's way. To be there for her. To protect her. I believe most societies look down on any man who uses his masculinity to do harm to the woman whom he has promised to "love & cherish..."

Note : One sees a lot of "slapping" around in Taiwanese serials & movies. Everyone seems to be slapping everyone. Sincerely hope it is not the true culture in Taiwan as portrayed. Sheesh...

Such exhibition of male physical force & dominance might be understandable in ancient times. At that time, maybe the husband is the BIG head in the family...the sole breadwinner. The lord of the house. In barbaric times. But not anymore. Not now in this 21st century. Esp so when both partners are working & providing for the needs of the family. Sometimes even with one providing more than the other so that the family's needs can be met. Acknowledging the roles each play in your life together would go a long way to provide understanding & stability in the union as husband & wife.

Marriage is now a partnership. And for marriage to work, both must respect each other. An understanding of one's responsibilities. That one's actions now can seriously affect the other & with a kid or kids, what one does can make or break a family. One needs to think of the other in all one does. No more just about oneself...but for family. Sacrifices...compromises & more have to be considered when the need arises. For only with mutual respect & understanding, can one build up a lasting working relationship in the life partnership...in any marriage.

If you disagree in any way, I would like to know your views. After all, what I've tried to discuss here is for the good of any couple who needs help. Thanks for reading this far.

As ppl used to say...in the Net...Just my 2 sen...hehe...

ps. Let's all work towards a brighter future ahead...a happy one where good triumphs over evil and knowledge makes all of us better husbands & wives.
Happy Diwali to all our Hindu friends!! Happy hols to one & all...