Being grandparents...

Tue 24th Feb 2009

Grandparents. Yup, what does that word / title mean & what are a grandparent's role & responsibilities (R&R?)? Not forgetting, too, the rights of such grandparents...

You may be a grandparent now...or you will be sometime in the future. So it is felt that this topic would be kinda interesting to delve into. Right?

Firstly, the definition of a "grandparent"...according to Chambers : simply this "a grandfather or a grandmother". On further reference, a grandfather means..."a father's or mother's father". Similarly so for a grandmother.

That's it. Just a step in the family tree.

However, as in this quote taken from a website :

"Kathryn and Alan Zullo, authors of "The Nanas and the Papas, a Boomers' Guide to Grandparenting," remind us that "though we know we must let go of the reins to our adult children, they are still our children. Forever. It doesn't matter how old any of us are."

And yup, that is the biggest problem...although one may be a grandparent now, but our children (who are parents now) will forever be our children in our eyes...forever. But does it mean the same from their perspective? Are parents still respected & looked at as parents when our children have become parents themselves?

Or are they to be used of when need or opportunity calls? Without hesitation? Without considering other alternatives /options? Simple as a "call your parents to come take care of ...."? Do having still-living parents come to just that? A useable commodity?

There is also this "view that being carefree and without obligation is an acceptable goal for the final stage of life".

The most unfortunate scenario is when the parents (on achieving grandparents status) are regarded as "Free & Available help-on-call" when a grandchild comes into the family. A supposedly always-available "child care service". A figurative & possibly even a literal demotion to the status of being a "maid" of sorts? Don't you feel that can be kinda "degrading" even to the extent of disrespect? It usually comes after..."since you are retired, with all the time in the world, ...."

Now what does "retired" mean? Chambers : "To withdraw from office, public or active life, business, profession etc." So does it mean that one has to, upon retirement, to take up a "new" job? Care of grandchildren?

Of course there are those who feel that becoming a grandparent for the 1st time is like a great achievement. So they proudly announce to all & sundry that they will be fully taking care of their grandchild...that they need no help. Esp when one has a history of taking care of numerous kids!

Such ppl are what ppl say "bong thnee leng leng". Translated it means that they do NOT know what they're getting themselves into. Little do they know that not all kids are alike & so is the care for them! Since humility is not in them, the child under their care suffers through care without love...

So when things go sour, they have to bear it out while biting their lips & tongues just to "kor bin chui" or "kor bin puay". Simply translated, that means "just to save face"!

Well, there are also those who find life without kids like a life without direction nor purpose. Bless them. Admire them. Respect them. They are they. Period. Not everyone is them. Agreed? Yup, not everyone is so equipped to shoulder the physical & emotional stress of that child-caring cycle that they had undergone a number of times (when they were parents) all over again...esp so now being in their golden years. Don't you feel & agree that they have served their time? That they have fulfilled their responsibilities?

Ok. To be there when help is needed. That's fair & may be even the responsibility of any right-thinking grandparent ie if the new parents are financially incapable of getting paid or other forms of help. But to put it like... "as grandparents, it's your responsibility to look after your grandchildren..." Is that so? A totally different perspective here.

So, what are actually a grandparent's responsibilities? Can one truly spell them out? Can you?

You bring those kids out into this world (not your parents) and then leave them to your parents to look after them? Shrugging off your own responsibilities to your own kids? Behaving like you are still without kids? Is that fair? Or even right to do? Now with other options available to young working parents?

I've seen ever so often, the young parents walking ahead...acting like they were still courting...while the poor ole grandparents struggled with their grandchild, trying to keep up! Have you witnessed such scenarios? Open your eyes & look around...you will. I can assure you so!

It's great for grandparents to be able to spend value time with their grandkids. When they visit you. When you visit them. Frankly, they would enjoy it & would love the opportunity. But to be burdened with the day to day care of the young active kids while you go about your own life like you do not have kids at all? Now, that is grossly UNfair!!

Isn't it a sin to bring innocent kids out into this world and kinda "abandoning" them so? A child is supposedly the product of love. So where is that love?

One great worry & challenge faced by grandparents burdened with the care of grandchildren is...

" Health : Some grandparents experience health problems due to caregiving demands. The main health risks are depression, insomnia, back and stomach problems, and hypertension. "

Now, do the young parents see that possibility & consequence? Nope. 'Cause if they do, they would never expect their parents to shoulder that burden...if other options are available, of course.

Legally, where do grandparents stand as regards their rights to the grandchildren? This would be the norm...

"Grandparents seeking visitation or custody must prove that the parents are unfit or that the grandparents' custody serves the best interest of the child. Often, proof refers to physical or sexual abuse allegations, which are difficult to confirm. Courts tend to favor parents' rights to custody and care of their children. "

A quote to end this entry. This would be ideal...

" It helps to remember that, as grandparents, we are often in a great position. We can lavish love and attention on these wondrous creatures without getting bogged down in the duties of parenthood. Yes, we worry about our grandchildren. They also can exhaust us. Most of the time, however, we can be caring companions, thrilled and honored to spend time with our grandchildren. And we can tighten the bonds of our families by sharing, with our own children, the joy we take in their children. "

To all grandparents out there, we feel for you...We all love our grandchildren but there's a limit to what we can do nor can be expected to do. Sincerely hope all young parents can see that & understand so...

C'mon, guys...give your parents a break...they deserved it, don't they? Unless they asked for it...then it's a different whole piece of cake...

Ultimately it is as clear as day that you, as the grandparent, have the right to say "Yes" or "No" to any call to take care of your grandchildren. It is NOT obligatory for you to do so cos legally the kids are their parents' responsibility to care for just like your kids were yours to care for. Help from your end, as a grandparent, is purely voluntary.
Of course it is, at times, dependent & subjected to prevailing conditions of urgency & need eg in emergencies. Even then, it depends upon your ability & capability to cope with such special circumstances. Agreed?

To all retirees...do have a good retirement...the kind you choose & will be happy with!

To all young couples...think hard & well before bringing kids into this world. Ensure you can cope with all aspects of having kids. Otherwise, please DON'T!!