A "No-Go" long anticipated event...

Fri 22nd August 2008

For some background on what me am gonna write abt this time around, pls refer to my old entry way back on March 4th, 2008...

Yup, at that time, I was "bitten" so unexpectedly & so shockingly by someone me & my other half had supported from the time he was a babe till long after he had his own babe!! To repeat (sincere apologies...), I am a strong believer that one should do all that one can for someone we love dearly & close to our hearts...with only one simple wish & hope...that that person should NEVER ever "bite" us...if you know what I mean...

Well, I was told on Wednesday, late in the afternoon, that the said "biter" would be coming for a visit. After almost 5 months. A BIG "favour" was requested by my other half, a sincere wish which me could not refuse. Never can refuse any request from my other half. I love my other half more than anything else in this world...kinda the main reason me still hanging around in this world...hehe...

The "favour"? To not bring up the said "biting" incident and to not start any hint of a confrontation on the said issue...but instead, to give the "biter" one more chance to redeem himself. To make amends. I was told that if I don't do so, there would never be any chance/avenue open for any apology, statement of wrong-doing, disrespect, etc. Since almost 5 months had lapsed without any sincere nor genuine attempt to do so. How could I ever say "No" to my other half who has stuck with me thru thick & thin for over 39 years? Unless me already a "nyanyok" case ( AD to the uninitiated...hehe...). Which I am not...yet!

And so it was. I promised. Promised that I would not say or do anything to prevent any opportunity/ possibility that the "biter" would be able to make use of, to get back onto the right path of realising his wrong-doing, apologise accordingly to admit his disrespectful actions and consequently diminish the deep hurt he had caused from that shocking event. That hurt can never be completely erased...

Well, the day came. Thurs 21st Aug. My other half's hopes were high...of a good conclusion. Esp so after my promise to her. To follow & practise her belief that this was the correct way to a solution...not thru my direct approach philosophy but to give the "biter" the opportunity to take the step to right the wrongs he had done. To do things her way...for once. (Note : Fyi my direct approach philosophy had worked once before. )

The door was finally opened, physically & figuratively. After the expected usual conventional address & my acknowledgement, there was Nothing...Nothing but SILENCE. Nothing was said. He just stood there. SILENT. In the doorway. C'mon...the ball was in your court. Why did you come in the first place? Supposedly to mend the break. But it appeared not to be so.

Seconds ticked by. Still SILENCE. The SILENCE was killing me. No apologies. No admission of wrong-doing nor regrets. NOTHING. Not a word more. The love, which we had assumed would be there & be the "mover", was NOT. The supposedly "close" relationship that we assumed we had, did not appear close at all and was proven as truly NON-existent at all. I had always so said & believed that if one has that feeling of love & closeness in one's heart, words of such expression would flow out without any effort. There is no shame in such admissions. Would have been a great sign of sincere humility, coming from within. Would have earned due respect. But none came from those tight lips of firm denial. Maybe from having a heart of stone?

To end the excruciating session, I spoke. I had to made it really clear then...that what me would do now is that me will keep to the promise me'd made. The door closed. And with it, the opportunity to make amends & to secure a better relationship faded away. A real pity...really sad that 37 years of love & nurturing just flew out of the window...real sad that ppl we love just don't have it in their hearts. A case of pride? Kiasu? Whatever. God only knows.

When told later abt what had transpired (actually practically nothing...), my other half could not help expressing utter disbelief & disappointment that her hopes were dashed completely! By the same person whom she had felt would not fail her...in her judgement. It truly opened her eyes. That one can be THAT wrong in one's judgement of someone close to us. Yup, we live, we learn.

To me, it just proved that upbringing has nothing to do with securing one's lifelong love for another. It ultimately boils down to the stronger & more dominant effects of environmental influences after that upbringing. Thank God for opening my eyes.

I truly learnt that one can never really know what is in another's heart until a crisis demands it. .. exposes it for what it is. For then a strong & committed heart would overcome all obstacles. In a Malay proverb, it is said "Air dicicang tak akan putus." (Literally translated..Water that is chopped would not be cut). In this case, there was no water...only a block of wood.

Luckily, after that, time passed by not as badly as I had expected. Thank God, I also believe that children are innocent of any adult's wrong-doing. And they should not be made victims. So I had memorable moments here & there with the kids who are definitely too young to understand adult problems. Bless them. May they never have to feel what I have felt nor "bite" anyone they truly love.

The tunnel seemed endless as the minutes & hours ticked by. The light at the end of the tunnel that me so longed for, seemed so far away. Finally, me got confirmation that the light would be visible soon...that the end of the tunnel would be reached soon...after breakfast on Fri morning. Me sought strength from God. A much needed support. To reach that end of the tunnel. And the light.

Thank God, breakfast was soon over and I was once again in the Light. Out of the tunnel. Merdeka!! My BP was up @139 at the start of the event...and God knows how much higher it climbed later on. Dared not check it out. Feel it should be down to normal soon, as the stress & disappointment gradually wear off. Esp as time pass & I learn to accept the situation for what it really & truly is.

For a nicer & more pleasant event, and also, for a breath of fresh air, for relief, de-stressing and to kinda celebrate, me took my other half to our fav "Sundry Shop". A ring with a solitary "diamond" caught her eye. Then an even better one...practically multi-"diamond-studded". Ha ha! It went right onto her finger. Fitted like it was made for her. Really glittered like fabulous expensive & rare diamonds in the bright lights at Tesco Mergong. A smile. Our moment of happiness. Invaluable. Not need loads of $$. Felt inside our hearts. Reminds me of our courting days. How we started. Just the 2 of us.

The trip back home then was simply wondrous! With the stress mostly gone, we were one again...in our ole but lovable junk! Relaxed, comfy, happy & at peace. Compared to the uncomfortable & seemingly torturous endless ride that I had earlier although in a brand new car! A ride I could not wait to get over with. A car I could not wait to get out of. I have sat in better new cars eg BMWs, Mercs, Honda CRV, MPVs, etc...so what is another car? It's the atmosphere, mood & relationships that exist among the ppl in the car that matters. A ride in an ole junk with loving ppl with closeness & a happy feeling makes for an exhilarating ride! Not the car...

To me that is what Life is all about. Not abt parading a new procurement. It's just a materialistic item. Can be here today & gone tomorrow. Not an object of pride... esp when one has yet to settle a many-years-old debt...a loan which was personally asked for & promised regular repayments but whose rare repayments quietly stopped as if that loan had been fully repaid (when it has hardly been...) and with even more debt incurred? Banks would label such as "NPLs". Am I a bank? Nope. Just a man who would do anything, within his capability, to help & support someone he loved so much...in spite of the fact he himself did not & does not have much.

Unfortunately, it has been a case of "Tuang air ke atas daun keladi... " ie like "pouring water onto the leaf of the yam plant... ". Get it?

I remember a saying..."A man without any debt is a rich man. " Similarly applicable... "A man with debts is really a poor man... " More so if that man acts as though he has no debts to be repaid...Agreed? If so, how can such a person earn our respect? Conveniently totally forgetting a loan and then making handouts like as though one is doing good deeds?

Frankly, the above is not the last nor the only incident. Just the worst. Many many more. Washing above dirty linen in public is bad enuf. To hang out more to dry would be suicidal. No happiness is derived from such actions. Re-living the hurt over & over again would be worse than torturing oneself. But, as is commonly heard, I need to "let it out... " or I'll burst!

To go back to the original subject matter...Life is certainly not abt the value of a gift. A gift is a gift. A gift is just the opposite of a loan. Plainly a matter of just doing the right thing, at the right time, at the right place. The feeling was so indescribable. From within. 2 hearts met. And shared the joy. The love we had, have and will continue to have. Hopefully for many more years to come. Like the Malays say..."Godwilling... "
Update: The "diamond-studded" ring remained on the finger. We took home an empty gift box!! Ha ha!

That is now, & will be, my quest. To have more such moments. Before I have to go. Then no regrets. TQ, my dearest. I love you.

ps. My sincere apologies for above rantings. From this episode, I also learnt that love can never be forced. It comes from within oneself. Either it's there or it's not there. Period. TQ for reading this far.